


You're insecure (don't know what for)

by heartsocold



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Insecure Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Misunderstandings, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:22:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26677384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsocold/pseuds/heartsocold
Summary: 'You’re still as attractive as you were when we first met and I’m not and I’m terrified you’re going to realize that and stop being attracted to me and decide that you can do better.'It’s quite possibly the stupidest thing Arthur’s ever thought. He’s well aware of the fact. He knows Merlin loves him and would never leave him for something as superficial as his looks but he can’t help it. He’s human. He has his weaknesses and insecurities. It’s completely normal but that doesn’t mean he likes to admit it.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 225





	You're insecure (don't know what for)

It starts off innocently. A light-hearted jab that’s part of their usual banter.

“Are you sure you want to eat all that? You aren’t twenty anymore, you know?” Merlin grins, reaching over and stealing a forkful of Arthur’s cake. 

Arthur gapes at him incredulously. “You-are you calling me fat?”

“I’m just looking out for you,” Merlin shrugs, nabbing another forkful of the chocolate dessert. 

“Why you little-” Arthur shoves the remainder of his treat unceremoniously into his mouth - Uther would  _ murder  _ him if he were here - before lunging at his boyfriend who shrieks and jumps up clumsily as he tries to evade him. Their grins are bright and the sound of their laughters mixing fill their apartment as they chase each other around like children, Merlin’s words long forgotten.

Later that night though, Arthur catches sight of himself in the bathroom mirror as he steps out of the shower.

He frowns, Merlin’s words echoing in his head as he scrutinizes his reflection. He pokes at his flat stomach, noting how the skin sinks beneath his finger. He used to have a defined eight-pack at one point. Not six,  _ eight _ . Now it’s nothing but loose skin. He flexes his arms, clenching his jaw at the lack of a muscle jumping. Instead, the skin just sags downwards. 

He looks at his hips, hating that he now has _ love handles _ . 

He knows he’s being ridiculous. He’s not nineteen anymore. He’s never been the type to watch what he eats but he’s not a university student who has all the time in the world to go to the gym and play rugby and football anymore. He’s twenty-eight now. His metabolism isn’t the same and it’s not like he burns much calories by sitting behind a desk all day and doing paperwork. 

He’s being ridiculous. Merlin doesn’t care. He was joking around.

Merlin. Merlin doesn't have an athletic bone in his body and yet still, he’s just as lean and fit as he was when Arthur first met him.

He pulls on a t-shirt even though he usually sleeps shirtless.

-

After that, he can’t seem to get the thought of his body out of his head. He decides he needs to do something about it. He’s let himself go and he shouldn’t have so now it’s time to develop a new routine.

He wakes up early, early enough that Merlin is still dead to the world and he makes himself a small breakfast, making sure to leave something more filling for Merlin along with a pot of coffee.

He goes running and by the time he’s back to shower and get ready for work, the apartment is empty. 

He goes to the gym after work and gets home past dinner. It’s not as though he’s starving himself but he no longer consumes anything high in calories and he sticks to the diet his new trainer has put together for him. 

If he keeps at his new routine, within the next few months he’ll have his old physique back. He doesn’t breathe a word of it to Merlin though. Maybe he should have.

-

It’s a month later and they’re both home on a Sunday with nothing urgent that needs their attention. They’re making out on their couch for what feels like the first time in forever. Merlin’s lying on his back and Arthur’s hovering over him, one hand gripping his hip tightly as the other holds him up. Merlin’s hand slips under Arthur’s t-shirt to rest on his stomach and Arthur jerks back as if he’s been burned. 

He tugs his shirt down and sits on the opposite side of the couch.

“Arthur?” Merlin questions in confusion, sitting up as the steamy atmosphere dissipates within seconds. Arthur wipes his lips, turning away from him, not wanting to see his hazy blue eyes blown wide or his swollen and shiny lips or his usual ivory skin flushed. 

He shifts uncomfortably, unable to escape Merlin’s inquisitive gaze as he remains silent. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Merlin tries again, voice soft and comforting even with the bit of concern tinting his words. 

“Nothing,” Arthur tries to say nonchalantly. “I just remembered I have plans.”

“Plans? It’s Sunday,” Merlin frowns. Arthur won’t meet his eyes.

“Yeah. I promised I’d meet Leon for a pint.”

“Leon’s out of town on a business trip.” His heart drops. Arthur’s lying to him. Arthur, the one person who’s never lied to him.

“Did I say Leon? I meant Lance,” Arthur fumbles and Merlin feels sick. He’d spoken to Lance just last night and he had specifically told him he was having lunch with Gwen and her family.

“Oh my God,” He breathes out. “You’re cheating on me.”

Arthur whips his head around to stare at Merlin in shock. “Merlin!”

“You’ve been acting all weird. Coming home late, leaving early. You’re barely ever hungry and you’ve been wearing shirts all the time - to cover up marks you don’t want me to see probably. That’s why you won’t let me touch you. Oh my God. How did I not see this before? How-”

“Merlin!” Arthur yells again, grabbing onto his arms tightly and shaking him out of his daze. “‘I’m not cheating on you, you idiot! I love you and only you!”

“But-but it makes sense!”

“No, it doesn’t! There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of your justifications as to why I’m cheating,” Arthur says hotly, equal parts guilty - for making Merlin think he’s cheating - and angry - that Merlin would actually think he’s even capable of such a vile thing.

“Well, let’s hear it then!” Merlin rips himself out of Arthur’s grasp, glaring at him. “What’s your perfectly reasonable explanation?”

_ You’re still as attractive as you were when we first met and I’m not and I’m terrified you’re going to realize that and stop being attracted to me and decide that you can do better. _

It’s quite possibly the stupidest thing Arthur’s ever thought. He’s well aware of the fact. He knows Merlin loves him and would never leave him for something as superficial as his looks but he can’t help it. He’s human. He has his weaknesses and insecurities. It’s completely normal but that doesn’t mean he likes to admit it.

“I can’t believe you thought I was actually cheating on you! Like I could ever!” He shoots out instead, eyes shooting daggers at his boyfriend who unfortunately - or fortunately - knows him better than that.

“Don’t try to change the subject! What the hell was I supposed to think? What’s going on Arthur?”

The fight drains out of him at the concern and worry in the last sentence as he slumps down into himself. Merlin realizes this and scoots closer, placing his chin on Arthur’s shoulder as one arm winds itself around his waist and the other rests on his thigh. He gives it a slight, reassuring squeeze and presses a kiss to Arthur’s shoulder, leaving his lips there for a moment.

“Hey, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Please?”

Arthur clenches his fists and swallows roughly. 

“It’s stupid. I know it is,” He mumbles self-deprecatingly, jaw twitching at how exposed he already feels. Even after all these years, he still hates being vulnerable. At times like these, Merlin hates Uther.

“It’s not stupid if it’s making you upset. If roles were reversed you’d be the first in line to fight all my battles for me. My knight in shining armour,” His tone takes on a teasing quality towards the end and thankfully it’s enough for Arthur to grace him with a small smile. He presses himself closer to him, nuzzling his cheek against the material of Arthur’s shirt. 

“It’s just - I’ve,” He stops and takes a deep breath. “Promise you won’t laugh at me.”

“I’d never laugh at something that’s upset you. I promise.”

“You were right, I’ve been getting fat.”

“I was right? When did - Arthur! That was a joke you prat! I didn’t-”

Artur shushes him, not wanting him to feel guilty. He curses himself for not phrasing his thoughts differently.

“I know you were joking, Merlin, I swear I do. You’d never say anything you think would actually bother me, even in the slightest, I know that. I didn’t mean to say it like that,” He reassures, taking Merlin’s hand off his lap to bring to his lips for a kiss. 

“I just, it made me realize that you still have the same body you’ve always had but I don’t. My abs are nothing. I’ve got no kind of definition anywhere anymore. It’s all just-just saggy skin and that can’t be attractive. So I’ve been going running in the mornings and then to the gym in the evenings. My trainer has set up a new low-carb diet for me and that’s why I haven’t been eating with you. I didn’t want you to notice, to see me like, well, you know.”

Arthur’s gaze is resolutely on the coffee table in front of them and he looks so small and dejected and unlike himself that Merlin swears he can feel his own heart break. 

“Arthur, sweetheart, please look at me.”

Arthur doesn’t so he untangles their fingers so that he can cup his cheek and turn his head so that they’re making eye contact. The arm around his waist, squeezes his hips, tugging him closer into Merlin.

“I need you to listen to me,” His tone is firm and Arthur nods jerkily.

“You’re quite literally perfect to me. No - shut up, let me speak. I wake up every day and think about how lucky I am that I get to love you and call you mine. And yes - I know you’re going to tease me about being a girly sap for this but I feel like you deserve to know that I truly do believe you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s true that you don’t have the same body as you did when we first met but I don’t expect you to. I want to grow old with you, you absolute clotpole. I’ve always had a high metabolism and I’ve never been the type to do anything even remotely athletic so that’s probably why my body hasn’t changed much but Arthur, you’re absolutely gorgeous and stunning and sexy and perfect. You don’t need to have abs for me to think you’re attractive okay? You’re not even anywhere close to fat!”

Merlin reaches his hand under Arthur’s shirt again and this time he isn’t met with any resistance. He strokes the soft skin with the pad of his thumb then splays his palm flat against it, leaving it there.

“You could have a pot belly that makes you look nine months pregnant and I’d still want you.”

Arthur snorts in amusement and Merlin smiles brightly at him, glad the light has returned to his eyes.

“I’m serious. I love you, all of you. In every shape and size. Now I can spend all day listing all the things about you but I know that doesn’t mean you’ll believe me. I get it. You’ve spent the last nine years telling me that there’s nothing wrong with my ears and objectively I know you’re right but you know I still have moments where I’m self-conscious about them so if you want, I’ll start going running and to the gym with you. Of course, I’ll invest in one of those scooter things and ride alongside you and I’ll probably pay a membership fee to lay on the floor and watch you workout but if that’s what’ll make you feel better, I’ll do it. You should know though, I’d much rather lie in bed for longer and have breakfast with you every morning and then come home after work to cuddle with you on the couch and watch shitty television but that’s entirely up to you.”

By the time he’s done speaking, Arthur’s vision is blurry. A few tears fall and Merlin wipes them away gently, staring at Arthur earnestly, his face showing nothing but love and acceptance. Arthur kisses him sweetly, hoping to convey everything he’s feeling that he can’t say.

“Thank you. I think I needed to hear that.”

“Of course. You know I meant every word, right?”

“I know. And for the record, I’m the one who’s lucky to have you.”

“I’ve been telling you that for years,” Merlin agrees and Arthur grins. He tucks his head into the crook of Merlin’s neck, allowing him to hold him for a while. 

“I like your plan better but if I want to go running every so often, maybe on a weekend or something, will you come with me?”

“Of course I will.” Arthur feels a kiss pressed to his head and angles himself to start sucking on Merlin’s pulse point on his neck. 

“We don’t have to do anything-” 

“I want to.”

Merlin pulls his head up to kiss him again and after a few minutes Arthur pulls away slightly.

“I hope you know you’re making my life incredibly difficult.”

“I-what?”

“How on earth am I supposed to come up with a ‘will you marry me?’ speech that’s better than your love declaration huh?”

“I-what?” Merlin repeats, wide eyes blinking at him in disbelief.

“Clotpole,” Arthur grins, kissing him again.

“My word.”


End file.
